Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Cookies and anxiety...my favorite snack.

"Hey. You need some of them Girl Scout Cookies?"

"Is it February already?! Man, you know I gotta have my fix. Stuff's like crack."

"Whoa. Check your privilege. Don't cheapen the suffering of drug addicts."


"Forget it. All right, I gots 7 boxes thin mints and like 4 Samoas."

"Ok I'll take it all. Also, that's racist."

"What, Samoas? It's-- ugh, fine, caramel...whatevers, then. Just text me in 5 and I'll tell you where to meet. Bring cash."


We're knee-deep in Girl Scout Cookie season, and my Facebook feed has been inundated with two types of posts: yo-pro friends who are excited to order and/or receive theirs (pictures optional,) and; friends with young daughters slinging cookies like they were street drugs.

That's not at all surprising, or even mildly annoying. My generation has a well-documented flair for nostalgia, and those brightly-colored boxes of deliciousness are a cultural touchstone for our collective childhood. I say that as a boy who never had to worry about selling them, but I suspect even former Girl Scouts look back on that time with a certain fondness and pride at the happiness their treats bring people. I certainly won't begrudge anyone their excitement.

Usually, I gladly join in on the fun. As in, pretty sure I bought several boxes last year. Probably from a coworker's daughter. But a certain malaise with the whole operation has been nagging at me lately. I tried to push it back down (like I do all my feelings.) Really, I did, for fear of becoming an awful, cynical person who hates fun. But I CAN'T be the only one feeling this way. Secretly, I believe, many others feel the same. So if no one else is going to say it, I will.

Girl Scout cookies just aren't that great anymore. 

In fact, they have gotten less and less impressive with each passing year since I was like 12. Maybe even smaller...? Now, the Keebler knock-offs at the grocery store taste more like the originals did when I was a kid than anything you'll get from the Girl Scouts themselves, at pretty much the same price point.

I know, I know. The money spent on Girl Scout cookies isn't just for the cookies, but it supports future generations of women leaders. Maybe I'm not only being curmudgeonly, but also future-tense misogynist, ante-anti-feminist, and some other "ists" that haven't even been invented yet. Maybe the dip in quality is evidence that Girl Scouts of America is spending more money on programming, and less on cookies. Maybe that's good.

I don't care, OK? Most of the time, when I can do some social good while buying products I like, I definitely will. But sometimes, I just wanna eat some cookies. And for me, it's time to stop pretending Girl Scout cookies are even half as delicious as they once were, and let the $20 or so dollars I spend on cookies each year reflect my disillusionment. Or, my enlightenment.

Enjoy your cookies, everyone.


...all the literate small talk keeps us sane.