Friday, March 14, 2014

Adam's Policy Guidelines for Automobile Accessorizing.

There are advantages and disadvantages to riding your bike everywhere you go. Advantage: you're up a little higher with a 360 degree view of your surroundings, and can see a lot of wonderful things you might otherwise miss. Disadvantage: you're up a little higher with a 360 degree view of your surroundings, and can see a lot of asinine things you might otherwise miss.

One of the ways people broadcast their identities is by putting a bunch of stuff on their cars. Of course, car commercials tell us that our cars are intertwined with our identities even before we customize them, but there you go. But once the accessorizing starts, it's done with reckless abandon and no concern for aesthetics. As the Dude so eloquently put it, "this will not stand, man." So allow me to present:

Adam's Policy Guidelines for Automobile Accessorizing.

1. No person shall accessorize their vehicle with flags or other paraphernalia bearing the logo of a sports team with which they have no affiliation, e.g. if you live in Washington, DC and have neither traveled to, lived in, nor had family in Texas, you should at no time display Dallas Cowboys swag. It's just plain silly.

2. "Baby on Board" signs are hereby forbidden to any and all motorists. No one seeing your car on the road cares if you have a baby, and it's insulting to all of humanity to insinuate that another motorist would somehow behave more courteously around a vehicle carrying an infant than a vehicle carrying only adults. "Baby on Board" is also superfluous as a safety feature, as no vehicle used on public roads is large enough that rescue workers would not be immediately alerted to the presence of an infant by merely looking inside it. It's a distracting and maddening symbol of parental vanity, and it needs to go.

3. Decals depicting cartoon versions of family members, e.g. parents, child, dog, cat, are permitted, so long as the vehicle is a minivan or SUV that travels primarily in suburban and rural areas, and that the number of family members depicted (to include pets) does not exceed six (6). Persons in urban areas are encouraged to openly mock such displays when the offending vehicle is spotted in the city, because honestly, what are you doing with an SUV in the city.

4. No vehicle operator shall place a decal on the rear windshield of their chosen vehicle that emphasizes its make or model, at any time, for any reason. No one needs to know that you drive a VW or a Hyundai, and should someone desire that information, they have only to look at the vehicle. Paying extra money for such ostentatious brand loyalty is tantamount to getting swindled and/or pimped, and tricked by a business, to paraphrase Benjamin "Macklemore" Haggerty. Henceforth, all vehicle owners taking part in such displays will have their driving privileges summarily revoked.

5. "Coexist" bumper stickers are permitted, insofar as "Spot the Lesbaru (Subaru possibly driven by a gay woman) with the Coexist Bumper Sticker" is a fun game useful for passing time on long drives.

6. No stickers depicting the distance a vehicle owner has run in an organized fashion. e.g. "26.2" for a marathon, shall be affixed to any part of that vehicle. No one seeing your car knows that was you, and if they do know you, it will come up in conversation anyway. There are roughly 10,000 marathons in a given city in a given year, and too many people participate in them for this to become a thing. Any sticker announcing a half-marathon shall give cause for the window bearing it to be smashed.

7. Similarly, stickers depicting a stylized "100" on which the zeroes are drawn as bicycle wheels are strictly forbidden. I have ridden a century several times. It's hard, but it's not that hard, and the same rationale used for marathons applies in this case.

8. Stickers with three letters abbreviating the name of a particular location a vehicle operator has traveled to or visited are permitted, to the extent that identifying said locations is a worthwhile and entertaining endeavor, akin to solving the puns on vanity license plates.

9. Vehicle operators displaying religious symbols or iconography shall be held accountable for operating their vehicle in a manner consistent with the symbols depicted, e.g. do not have "Saintly Hands Folded in Prayer" decals or "Christ is Lord" emblazoned on your vehicle and then do something un-Christian like cut off someone with a Baby on Board or honk/swear mercilessly at a jaywalker.
--Any person who violates this rule shall have their driving privileges revoked forthwith AND be immediately escorted to the gates of Hell, or the nearest convenient hell-like place of eternal torment administered by their chosen religion. Adherents to those religions lacking a concept of Hell shall default to Christian Hell, as the Christian Right already has undue influence on the entirety of U.S. culture, and why should this be any different. --

So there we go. Effective immediately. Please post in a conspicuous location in all auto body shops and car dealerships.