Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Callin' "Shenanigans"

***UPDATE 6/5/15*** I'm giving Jeb a bonus shenanigans for JUST THIS WEEK declaring that's he's ABOUT to declare his candidacy, weeks after leasing a campaign headquarters and having had plenty of time to court wealthy potential donors. We should know more mid-June. Nice job sidestepping campaign finance law, Governor! Original post begins below.

Welcome to the very first "Callin' Shenanigans", a new Mainer segment where I call out complain histrionically about stupid things or people I see in the news. Today, we check in with a certain prospective Republican candidate for president in 2016:

Uh-hurrr, hiya little lady, ya wanna join my exploratory co-mitty?

Yes, Jeb Bush was in not-so-rare form in Detroit today, reminding low-income people to be afraid, be very afraid, of liberals and all their anti-poor policies. See, you might think that the potential standard-bearer of a party so wildly supportive of letting corporate profits skyrocket while workers' wages stagnate would tread a little more carefully when it comes to The Poors.

But no, you don't understand, it's a failure of "liberal government policies" that have created, not a social safety net, but a "spider web" to ensnare people in the trap of government dependence. Which is why his party wants you to have to take drug tests before you get can welfare. Jeb wants to get you out of that web! After all, it's not like any of the responsibility for Detroit's economic suffering can be traced to any of the GOP's pro-corporate, anti-regulation policies that led to the Great Recession, which hit Detroit particularly hard.

I call shenanigans.

Governor Bush then launched another salvo at pro-government progressives, who act like we need to govern our way out of major societal problems or something: "The progressive and liberal mindset believes that to every problem there is a Washington, DC solution, but that instinct doesn't solve any problems."

Okay, seriously, how many more times are we going to let the Jeb Bushes, the Marco Rubios, and the Ted Cruzes (Cruces? Cruz'ses?) get away with saying how harmful "government" is while being/aspiring to be a major public official? It's not even like they're saying they wanna fix government, no, they seem to want us just...not to have one. Government keeps people down and overcomplicates problems and it needs to get in the back of the bus. Until it's time to secure the border or defeat Islamic State, that is, in which case, all hands on...the ground. In boots. On the deck. Hands on deck tying your boots to the ground?

Either way, you can't verbally assault the government and governing in every speech, and then tell people to make you the literal head of the government. And that is why...

...I call shenanigans.

Total "shenanigans" (shenaniganses? shenanigii?): 2

So thanks for reading joining us on "Callin' Shenanigans," a new whenever-I-get-to-it-ly segment where I'll probably piss off a lot of conservatives and car-centric urban planning advocates. I hope you'll join us next time for something else I think is dumb!


...the beauty of this mess it that it brings me close to you.

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